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Unless you're reading Vegetarian Times because it's the only magazine in the dentist's waiting room, you're probably somewhat familiar with vegetarianism. You know, for example, that fish isn't part of most vegetarians' diets (harvest time in the salmon orchard?). You may even have a passing familiarity with other dietary regimes. When the guy who isn't scarfing up the snacks at the cocktail party tells you he's macrobiotic, you don't worry about whether it's contagious.

You're most likely aware of the concerns that motivate, to a greater or lesser degree, nearly all vegetarians: animal welfare, ecology and health. But like some vast extended family, vegetarianism has dietary aunts, uncles and cousins. These relatives have their own distinct, sometimes eccentric twist on a plant-based diet, but they're family nonetheless. Some of these relatives might strike you as the kind you prefer not to have at your wedding; others might become lifelong friends. Come, let's introduce you.

OVO-LACTO VEGETARIAN: Meet the Jones Family

Meet the Jones Family.

By far the majority of those who espouse a vegetarian diet simply eschew all forms of meat (including, of course, chicken and fish) and its byproducts, such as soups based on meat stocks. In other words, if something had to die to produce it, they don't eat it. They do, however, eat foods that are produced by living animals -- things such as eggs and dairy products. It's easy to eat a balanced, healthful diet if you're an ovo-lacto vegetarian. Of course, you've got to be moderate about whole eggs and full-fat dairy products, or you'll have a diet that's very high in saturated fat. And sometimes people who lead busy lives and don't cook much discover that the most readily available vegetarian food is blueberry muffins or chocolate-chip cookies. However, if you can remember that being a vegetarian ought to mean eating vegetables, you can thrive. So can your kids.

VEGAN: Not the Brother From Another Planet

Vegans aren't alien beings -- they're just stricter vegetarians. They consume no foods produced by any animal, living or dead. For many of them, this includes honey. Although some vegans avoid animal foods because they consider them unnatural and unhealthful, most select this option over ovo-lacto vegetarianism for ethical reasons. Nearly all vegans believe that our only humane relation to the animal world is to interfere with it as little as possible. Many are convinced that animals have inherent rights that we are ethically bound to respect and hence; some vegans extend their philosophy to incorporate clothing choices (no leather, wool or silk) as well as food. Vegans must plan more carefully than ovo-lacto types in order to achieve adequate nutrition, but a diet of vegetables including plenty of dried legumes, fruits and whole grains can keep people very healthy. Although some dietitians express concern about vitamin [B.sub.12], vitamin D, calcium and zinc in vegan diets, tests of vegan populations find few deficiencies in any of these areas. Still, if you're a vegan or thinking of becoming one, or -- especially -- if you are raising a vegan child, you might consider supplementation or the use of fortified foods such as cereals and enriched tofu.

MACROBIOTIC: Zen and the Art of Metabolism Maintenance

It's hard to pin down the macrobiotic diet, probably because of its roots in Zen Buddhism, a philosophy that's anything but proscriptive. "No, you can't eat that," is just not a Zen thing to say. Macrobiotics is based on a perceived need to keep the principles of yin and yang in balance in our bodies. Yin represents the force of expansion in the universe, yang that of contraction. Cooking "yangizes" yin vegetables with fire, pressure or salt to create the proper balance. The most advanced forms of the macrobiotic diet are heavily dependent on brown rice, the food that is said to balance yin and yang. Macrobiotics, as practiced by most of its adherents, provides a reasonable mix of whole grains and vegetables; sometimes even going beyond the plant kingdom to include small amounts of fish. The guidelines are flexible. An adult who eats a wide range of the permitted vegetables, sea vegetables and fish can be adequately nourished. This is a diet for adults only, unless you really stretch the flexible guidelines to include more legumes, more fruit and more fish for your kids.

RAW FOODS/FRUITARIAN/NATURAL HYGIENE:

The Raw Deal

Devotees of a raw foods diet save lots of money on cookware and electricity but make up the difference in the produce aisle. Rawists believe that cooking destroys many vitamins and minerals and, particularly, essential food enzymes. Human beings, like all other animals, evolved eating raw food, and rawists believe we are naturally dependent on these enzymes and that they have a significant role in disease prevention and its cure. Fruits, vegetables, seeds and nuts are the mainstays of the raw foods diet.

Few people try to subsist entirely on raw foods and that's probably a good thing. Although raw foods are undeniably nutritious and we should all be eating more of them, it'd be hard to cram in adequate calories and nutrients on an entirely raw foods diet. If you want to consider yourself a full-fledged rawist, you'd have to consume about 75 percent (by weight) of your daily fare uncooked. That means that a person who consumes 1,800 calories in a day would have to eat about six pounds of raw food. You'd tend to zero in on fruit, just because it's easy to eat it in quantity and it's on the diet. Go to the market and get yourself a pound of raw spinach and you'll see what we mean. We like spinach, but a pound is a daunting amount. You'd end up avoiding a lot of the foods you need just because they take too long to eat. A modified rawist diet, say, a fifty-fifty split between raw and cooked, can be healthful for an adult, but it would be hard to get enough of the raw stuff into a kid to keep her running and growing.

Several other vegetarian systems also depend heavily on raw foods. There are fruitarians, who eat only fruits, and those vegetables that are botanically fruits such as peppers, squash and tomatoes. This diet stems from the belief that the way for humans to fit into nature's broad plan is to eat only the parts of plants that have evolved to be dispersed by creatures that consume them. Thus, for example, to dig up and consume a root is to commit an act of violence against the plant and the earth. To eat an apple, however, scattering the seeds far from the tree, is to make a contribution to the planet's ecology. Unfortunately, unless you modify this diet with a little grain, it will be both inadequate and hard on the digestion. You'll have to rely on unnatural supplements.

There are a number of different diets, often vegetarian or semi-vegetarian, that are based on the theory that various kinds of foods, usually carbohydrates and proteins, can't be digested properly if they are consumed at the same time. All these diets fit loosely under the term natural hygiene. This movement has been around in one form or another since the 19th century. All natural hygienists eat a lot of raw foods, and many people who call themselves rawists also adhere to the food-separation theories of natural hygiene.

10 PERCENT SOLUTION/HEART-HEALTHY: Cousin Jack Sprat's Diet

A couple of years ago Mirabella reported: "Madonna works out like a triathlete ... Integral to Madonna's exercise program is her diet: 75 percent carbohydrates, 15 percent protein and 10 percent fat." Whether you covet Madonna's muscle tone or her coronary arteries, you may have felt drawn to her kind of diet. It's been in the news a lot for the last seven years or so. Low-fat diets are touted as a method of avoiding cardiovascular and other big-league diseases, and as a painless means of weight-control in the bargain. Eating lots of carbohydrates -- grains, vegetables and fruits -- is the easy part. The hard part is cutting fat to 10 percent of calories. In fact, it's almost impossible unless you eliminate most sources of animal protein from your diet.

The two most popular exponents of this type of diet are John A. McDougall, M.D., author of The McDougall Program for a Healthy Heart (Dutton, 1996) and Dean Ornish, M.D., author of Eat More, Weigh Less (HarperCollins, 1993). The McDougall plan is strictly vegan; the Ornish plan permits egg whites and nonfat milk or yogurt. Together, these doctors' books probably account for the lion's share of those who have chosen vegetarian or nearly vegetarian regimens in recent years. The movement has spawned a number of cookbooks, some of which contain excellent recipes. This is unquestionably ME-Decade Vegetarianism -- nothing about saving the planet or your fellow creatures -- but, hey, the food's good.

YOUR PLACE IN THE FOOD CHAIN

In the preceding list, you've no doubt found some regimen or other to feel superior to -- perhaps even giggle at. But hold on. Your authors are people who went along for decades eating anything that didn't move, at least not too fast, and have only fairly recently given some thought to what they put into their mouths. We've found that our pleasure is enhanced by the realization that we've exercised our options. We don't eat just any old thing any more. We ask ourselves where our food came from and what it's doing to our bodies. We're willing to give anyone who's trying to do that -- and that's any adherent of any of the regimens described above -- some respect.

If some system of bringing serious, conscious eating into your life appeals to you, your choice should be based on real knowledge and thoughtful planning. The planet, your fellow creatures and your body deserve no less. Don't start eating in a particular way because a television guru or your Aunt Sally says it will make you immortal or save the world.

Read a lot about the sort of diet you're considering -- not just the words of its enthusiasts but those of its mainstream critics. There's no need to -- in the words of a second-rate poet-- "sit in the scorner's seat or hurl the cynic's ban," but a skeptical eye is essential. Make a list of the healthful foods you like (or are willing to try to like) that fit into the constraints of your chosen diet and that you are, realistically, likely to be able to put on your table. Plan a nutritious, well-balanced regimen around these foods and try to live with it. If it doesn't work for you, modify or abandon it. Once you've found your niche in the vegetarian kingdom, try to expand your repertoire of foods. If you find yourself subsisting entirely on the three or four most convenient foods that don't violate your dietary rules, you'll not only be malnourished, you'll be miserable.

Remember: Eating is more than an ideology or a discipline. It's one of life's greatest pleasures. Enjoy every bite.