28 February, 2002
You know what's not fair about penises? Boys get to hide how big theirs are. I mean, for the most part, none of you wear spandex. So it's not like boobs, I mean if we have them, you know about them and stare at them freely. Whereas, some little limpdick guy could parade around machismo as hell and no one would be the wiser. And what's worse, some little faceless Davidson preppy could be packing a stack worth taking note of and we would waltz on by none the wiser. That's FRUSTRATING.
Which brings us to the point of this week's column, and our favorite topic of conversation: "Penises. Who has them???" No, just kidding, how about "Penises. What are they good for?" No, we could answer our own question in two words or less (in case you're wondering the other word is "me"). Ah, here it is, "Penises from around the world, and what makes each and everyone the delight that it is." We're going international on your asses. When it comes to sex and package size, ethnic stereotypes abound. In an effort to sort out fact from fiction your darling columnists have INTERVIEWED not just Bill and Ted (because, honestly, they have them, they like them, but are they really going to let us print shit about them?) but many many of your fellow Davidsonians. Immediately we were smacked in the face with the most obvious: black guys, and why it's not their ears that hang low. Lord, we have so many great stories we were tempted not to even write this week, just to print quotes. Here are some of the jewels:
"When I was in high school, the tailback for our varsity football team was unusually endowed (he was, of course, African-American). He claimed that it was 11 inches flaccid. I remember he would walk around the locker room after practice, swinging the thing around like it was a damn wristwatch or keynoose or something. Eventually, he began wrapping it around his wrist, and would walk up to freshman and ask them what time it was. I will never forget the horrified look on those poor boys' faces when he did that...profoundly disturbing, to say the least."
I think I speak for the entire female population when I say...YOWSERS. We can't decide if we're intrigued, amused, or scared as hell...when push comes to shove we've only got so much room in our errr hearts. Here's one Davidsonian's story:
"Freshman year I was hooking up with this guy who happens to be from Africa, actually. My hand couldn't even fit around it. He had a beautiful penis. He could rotate his dick up and down. I couldn't believe how much motion control he had."
How's that for a party trick? She brings up an interesting point though. We need to address the width versus length issue. Some penises are long, some are wide, and the very very lucky, are both. And it must be said, gentlemen: although all penises, by their very nature are good, the short fat ones just look like little oompa-loompas, and while that won't stand in our way most of the time, you'll have to pardon the off-hand giggle. Here's where this racial stuff gets sort of, er sticky.
oompa-loompas like tacos, too
Some black guys as it happens aren't that well-endowed (and some of them talk like they are anyway). And some white guys really are. These crafty columnists have heard tell that a certain wrestler or former wrestler (who can keep track, they're all dropping like flies these days) is packing a pistol bordering on legendary. AND to our very great delight we've discovered (not first-hand, of course) a nine-incher in our very own building. Life is full of so many little (and by little we mean big) delights! Phallic phenomena are apparently not limited to a certain racial or ethnic stereotype.
Now that we've laid the basic groundwork--that large penises occur in, but are not limited to black men--it's time to discuss what we do with this information. Personally the very thought of a great length of lovin lying in wait is slightly stimulating to say the very least. Mae West said it best, "Sometimes too much of a good thing can be wonderful." But that's stating the obvious. What is slightly less obvious is that sometimes, love can hurt. Boys, if you're packin, be careful where you swing that thing. And don't forget to be aware that your lady could be a little intimidated initially. Opening your mouth that wide can sometimes feel an awful lot like going to the dentist, without the lollipop at the end.
And what about all you gentlemen who mid-perusal of the column were already online, trying to find out if a Swedish-made penis pump really exists, and if so, how can you get one, worry not, we have sage words for you as well. Here's the beauty part: you don't need a big cock to get your girl off. Just a big tongue! No, just kidding, good sex is possible for the inch-impaired. One anonymous girl states, "My best guy friend is 100% Lebanese, he has one of the smallest dicks I've seen in my entire life. But he gets more ass than anyone; he's amazingly smooth." One of our favorite phrases is in fact, "It's not the size of the wave, it's the motion of the ocean." It's important to remember that, I think. Good intentions, a little practice (and careful positioning) can make all the difference in the world. And, little lads, it's a lot easier to deep throat five inches than ten. Plus, and we had to say it, even though it's not super sexy, being in love is a more powerful aphrodisiac than all the yardage in the world. Really. We mean it.
Ah, sex, love and length...here's the thing about all these stereotypes: that's exactly what they are. One of Davidson's popular radio hosts said it succinctly, if not politically correctly. "If we were comfortable with ourselves, we wouldn't have to worry about stereotypes. Much of stereotypism (is that a fucking word?) is based on things that ring true. Black guys are hung. It happens. Mexicans like tacos. No shit. It doesn't apply to everyone, but there's some truth there. Stereotypes are just adding superlatives to cultural norms." Clearly, you can't define someone by race or ethnicity and even if we had more than our allotted 1,000 words and were able to share with you all that we've learned about sex and race and stereotypes we still wouldn't be explaining anything. Black, white, Latin, Italian, or Lebanese, we are who we are; we are each born with our own gifts and talents...some people's just happen to be five or six inches bigger than that of others.