WHAT WILL CANNON THINKS

starring . . . b r i a n c r e e c h
& a n d y m a r t i n

Fear & Toking: Based on first impressions alone, we had assumed that the only thing about Luke O’Hara that was blatantly out of style was his awfully anachronistic ponytail, but “class warfare”? The proletariat is surely rejoicing at Mr. O’Hara’s super-hip usage of “motherfucker,” “joints,” and “hotbox.” The grasp of colloquialism displayed here is astounding. Bonus points for legitimizing the sticky-icky as a tool for critical thought.

Black Steel: This piece has been brought to you by the same polarized worldview that gave you blockbusters including the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and that beloved Balkans miniseries. Russ White, in a brilliant turn, has called upon Dangerous Minds, The Substitute and Flava Flav to assemble a treatise on why we should all do our civic duty, take it back to the streets and kill a cracker. Hooray for obstinate refusal to acknowledge any type of subtlety or nuance! In the spirit of this piece we’d like to suggest that Mr. White (along with a sinister council of shadowy underworld figures, religious leaders, celebrities, and captains of industry) is responsible for all of the social ills besetting our country, nay, the planet.

Art Review: Adhering to the tenets of minimalism we studied the intricacies of a whitewashed cinderblock wall for over seven hours and reduced our comment on this piece to a single word: Blah. Don’t miss next issue; we’ll be sprinting to catch up to the post-modernism bandwagon.

Diversity at Davidson: Oh, that’s why all our friends are wealthy, white Christians.

9/11: We’re not going to touch this with a ten-foot pole for fear of being drawn and quartered by Team Patriotism.

Haikus: We join Jimmy Newlin in condemning chick music in all of its vaguely acoustic incarnations.

Grade: Hopefully sometime soon Russ and Luke can get together to discuss class warfare, Tom Berenger, and The Man over a loaded hookah. After that we invite them to join the rest of the population at their leisure in apathy and disillusionment. Until then, we’re slapping this shiny happy testament to the de-fanging of our culture with a D+.